Reflections on the Nude Housekeeper

By Melanie DeSilva

This is the text of a real personal ad in the Valley Advocate:

“NUDE HOUSEKEEPER
Ladies, I’ll clean your home. I’ll cook your meals. I’ll do your wash. Call me and tell me when; I’ll be nude while doing work for you free of charge.”

Since I became a divorced mother, and have been solely responsible for maintaining my household, I have been tracking this guy.  I’m assuming it’s a guy by the use of the word “ladies”, but you never know. Anyway, a year ago I spied this personal ad in one of our local newspapers. Ever since then, I have snatched this publication off the rack each week and gone right to the personals to see if the ad is still there. And sure enough, every week, there he is- offering his naked housekeeping services to the women of Western Massachusetts and beyond.  And every time I read it, I wonder- who IS this guy?  Is he a pervert? Some of you might say, “Well, duh! Of course he’s a pervert.”  But maybe he’s not a pervert. Maybe he’s a regular guy who has a fetish like people who have foot fetishes or food fetishes or spanking fetishes.  Maybe he’s an insurance salesman, or a teacher, or a police officer, and in every other part of his life he’s an upstanding citizen. Maybe he’s the chair of the PTO, or a minister or runs the youth choir at church, and just has this strange little quirk. Or…. Maybe he is a sociopath. I don’t know.

But what I do know is that I work two jobs, take care of two children, my house is a mess and there is a man out there who isn’t just OFFERING to clean my house for free, he really, really wants to clean my house for free. Not only does he want to clean my house, but he wants to cook meals and do laundry. WOW! I wonder- Is he a good cook? Can he cook organic, healthy meals with whole grain ingredients and lots of vegetables? Is he willing to clean the toilet and the cat boxes?  What about folding and putting away the laundry? What about the cat puke on the bedspread- can he deal with that too? And will he garden? That IS outside. What will the neighbors think? 

And then I keep thinking about logistical issues like- How does he prevent himself from getting hurt from grease and water splashes at the stove? Does he wear an apron? If he does, doesn’t that defeat the purpose? He might as well wear clothes then.

And then I wonder- Do I have to be home when he’s cleaning? Is that part of the deal? What if he’s not a guy that I care to look at? Would he be willing to wear a little piece of terrycloth? 

It’s amazing to me the extent to which I have thought about this ad in the midst of the desperation I have often felt being a divorced mother of two. When I was married and wasn’t working full time, I would have dismissed this ad and thought that no one in their right mind would ever call this guy.  But, being a single, divorced mom, working more than full time, has resulted in my home and car often being a disaster. And desperate times call for desperate measures.   

In the end I have decided not to call this guy. First, he really could be a dangerous person (although I highly doubt it). And second, as of last December, I am engaged to a man who- like the ad says, will “clean my home, cook my meals, and do my wash for free.” And if I asked, I bet he would do it all while in the nude.

Melanie DeSilva is the Executive Director of MotherWoman. She is the mother of two beautiful daughters and is engaged to a beautiful, gentle and funny massage therapist.